When I was 11 years old I rode the dial-a-ride home from school. The dial-a-ride took me from my Catholic elementary school to my house, just blocks away on North James. On the ride home from my Catholic elementary school one day, a certain encounter with a certain young boy shattered a certain degree of self-esteem I once possessed. "Pumpkin Butt" was the name he donned for me. And Pumpin Butt I would be for the following eleven years.
It was the first time I can remember feeling humiliated. It was the first time I can remember having feelings of shame and self-loathing. It was the start of an incessant battle for perfection and the death of my childhood bliss. Just a few weeks later I forced my mother to purchase, for me, a 24-pack of Slim Fast shakes. Her words of encouragement were that I was just "big-boned".
Since my Pumpkin Butt dial-a-ride days, I have made many failed attempts at getting to a healthy shape and mind-set. Many of those attempts included failed diet plans: from "no sugar, no flour" to a 14-day body cleanse. With each failure came a depleted sense of self-esteem and worth (followed, inevitably, by fried food and ice cream binges).
Just days ago, while at work, I was asked to complete a health profile at webmd.com. As I pain-stakingly punched in my weight (160; my heaviest yet) and height (5'6") I saw before my eyes the cold-hard proof that I had bottomed out at my least healthy state yet. I have told myself, for the past few years, that I am probably better-looking to others than I am to myself; that I can't possibly look as bad as I feel and that what the scale says doesn't matter. But after 4 years of battering my body with 2am Taco Bell runs and weekend all-night parties I have come to the conclusion that my body really has come to its worst state, both on the inside and on the out. It has become too difficult to force my thoughts towards the positive when I'm hiding behind a cloak of insecurity. It is time for a change towards health, which brings me to the point of making this blog.
I have made goals for myself, and I have chosen to blog about my attempt to become a healthy, happy human. For the next 17 weeks I will be making a more conscious effort to cut unnecessary calories and burn what I can at a local gym. The thought of having my trials and triumphs made public will hopefully motivate me to do the best that I can to achieve these goals. (If you are still not convinced, just keep in mind that there will surely be many embarassing moments along the way).
Here goes nothing...
