I almost cried on the treadmill today. Its not like I sobbed, or bawled, or even really "cried". But there was a moment when the tears definitely wanted to come out.
Yes, I know it, I sorta suck for taking a week off, but now that I know how much my body hates me for doing that, I'm vowing to never do it again. I was weaker with less endurance and motivation and I felt like I was dying. I don't think anyone noticed that I was nearly in tears, but I'm sure it was difficult to ignore my muttered "fuckshitpissin'meoff"s and loud groans of misery. All-in-all I felt like I was back to square one.
In fact, ya know what? I'm pissed off. I've been working my ass off (unfortunately not literally) and I took one week off and feel fatter than ever. I feel like I'm suddenly in even worse shape than before. And I'm pissed about it. How hard could it possibly be to get in shape?! Apparently with my genes and body shape, I would need to be in starvation mode, busting two-a-day practices (which is SO not happening).
Ya know what pisses me off most? What frustrates me most? (*And which, apparently, makes me bitter): There was a girl running next to me on a treadmill; she was probably 75-80 pounds heavier than me. And I can guarantee that in 3 months, she will probably be my size. In fact, she will probably look better than me. Thats the thing about being "average" or "curvy": people who are bigger than you can get down to your size pretty quickly. People smaller than you can get up to your size pretty quickly (believe me, all it took was 4 years of focused heavy-drinking). But at this size the only way beyond it is up! To get down, you've got to be brutal. And I'm ready to be brutal. Bring. It. On.
---------------------------------------------------
I am going to be in a bathing suit in 7 1/2 weeks. I am going to be sunning my body on a beach in front of other people/human beings/males. (*We have a family vacation to Key West in February). Yes, this will occur before my 17-week challenge is complete, but at that point there will be no excuses. If I want to wear anything less than a burka, I must suck it up once and for all. Which means, from here on out, its on. No drinking (after New Year's eve, of course), no fast food, no restaurant food, and no excuses for being too lazy to get to the gym!
----------------------------------------------------
In case you haven't noticed, I haven't said what my weight is this week. That's because I don't know it. And I don't care to. In fact, I'm done weighing myself weekly. Its too much pressure! I will measure my success from here onward by how I feel and by, more specifically, how I feel squeezing into my "skinny" jeans.
----------------------------------------------------
I've also made a vow to myself (and to my family) that I will stop using "negative" talk (aka "ugh, I'm so fat, ugly, etc."). I will strive to see and say things that give me confidence. So for every blog post beyond this, I will be Positive Patty :)
[Tribute-quote to favorite holiday movie "Home Alone"]:
"This is it. Don't get scared now!"
No comments:
Post a Comment